..

..I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry..

~ Keith Urban

i dont know why i don't blog anymore.. blogging used to make me feel good.. jus the fact that you could throw out ur thoughts n feelings into the virtual void n it stays there forever, away from prying eyes..
but these days, i've been back to square one, to my diary..
its the one J n me gifted each other as a bday gift, an identical diary.. and now its serving the purpose it was intended to when bought.. though its a lot less private and accesible by anyone, but i have guards to keep it safe..
i've had 2 other diaries before, each one special in its own ways.. and the good part bout them is that i can go back into my old forgotten memories anytime i want.. with photographs n letters! :)
they're my very own thoughts now penned down forever, so even when i grow old all i need to do is visit these brown crumbled pages n re-live the days of fun, love and tears!
but now the reason for writing again is different.. i mostly feel like writing late at night when my thoughts are at their extereme emotional best.. and usually its too late to switch on the computer and type something.. also, now there are things i don't want some people to know.. basically cos i haven't figured myself out yet!
i've been tracing my life so far, from the lil girl to the teenager.. and now as there are jus 3 months before i cross the line b/w a teenager and grown up, life i really feel has come a full circle..
life is probably at its best now, yet some ends are loose.. and well, not that i expect it to be perfect, its jus that i still need some answers..
J says he intution is at her best, and she feels something really good is coming my way.. well, lets just say Cheers to that!
i must write more now, one blog each day.. jus random stuff bout my day!

goodnight blog! :)

Its that familiar time of the year again.. pujas and the following winter!
When evenings arrive sooner and calmer than summer afternoons.. when the little insects start to appear beside tubelights again.. when the air is filled with a pleasant smell of pujo happiness and mysticism!
Its a familiar nostalgia again.. when the apparent glittery evenings wud eventually fade into cold winter evenings. When past memories would all the more accompany you as you talk a walk down the same roads yet again..

Yesterday it all happened again.. and the pain was as fresh as ever!
Right in front of my eyes, the very sight i wanna forget and even forgive jus so that it wud let me go..
As usual, my headache has been back with renewed force.. and the more i try not to think, the more it effects me..
Unless i figure a way to not let myself get influenced by some people everytime, this pain won't stop.. there has to be some way i can turn to stone..

When the thorn bush turns white that's when I'll come home

I am going out to see what I can sow

And I don't know where I'll go

And I don't know what I'll see

But I'll try not to bring it back home with me



Like the morning sun your eyes will follow me

As you watch me wander, curse the powers that be

Cause all I want is here and now but it's already been and gone

Our intentions always last that bit too long



Far far away, no voices sounding, no one around me and

You're still there

Far far away, no choices passing, no time confounds me and you're still there



In the full moons light I listen to the stream

And in between the silence hear you calling me

But I don't know where I am and I don't trust who I've been

And If I come home how will I ever leave

<3

Love is not something u can read about in novels and claim to know 'exactly how it feels..'
Love is not something u hear about from other's experiences n decide upon..
Love is not something u see between two people n feel magical about..

These are, i believe, just sources to the ultimate destination.. but they make complete sense only when you can look into the eyes of someone and feel that you are ready to accept him inspite of all his faults.. its only when u can be next to him and see urself in his future.. when habits don't matter and just 'the' moment, right there, is the only thing u can hold on to..

its how they say.. " when you love someone, you just say it, you just say it right there.. out loud.. otherwise, the moment just passes you by"

and yet, we spent countless moments staring into his eyes, all the time thinking if we would make it together.. waiting for signs from the universe.. reading sunsigns and hoping for them to decide our destiny.. weighing every move made, every word uttered.. until the sand slips away from our hand..

and yet, all this will hit you with its full force only when u r ready to admit, be brave n proclaim that come what may, ur ready.. throw caution to the wind and declare that ur in love.. n not think if he loves you, or if ur meant to be together.. just let the elements do their work.. and the rest will find its place on it own..

i'm ready for my test, i can't wait to meet him now.. 20 years is a long time!

The day finally arrived. She left all hushed up n hurried. I don't know why the tears won't stop. It's not supposed to be this way, its not!

i've never liked hot drinks too much! not tea, not coffee, not hot chocolate.
its even when people describe how they would ideally like to be.. like their imaginary comfort zone.. sitting beside a window with the rain outside forming beads on the glass, two people as one, with fingers interwined, long hair let down casually.. and a steaming cup of coffee beside!
damn, there.. the last bit spoils it for me..
right now, with this cold n fever.. i'd jus like to sit in a balcony on a summer evening with the wind blowing against my face, wearing a three-qtr sleeved grey comfy sweat shirt and long hair let loose.. guitar in hand, cold vanila milkshake beside me.. jus strumming an old song n smiling to myself.. maybe with my diary beside me open n the pages fluttering..
*sigh*

anyway, i cudnt even go to work n now i fear sitting in the A.C class in the evening! my nose is continously running n i feel so weak n feverish. i have no taste in my mouth yet i'm hungry. i feel lazy yet i cant sleep anymore. i wanna write so much but i don't have the energy.
right here, right now, i need a vacation..


this is a song i had learnt in school n i looove it! jus visualise it, its so wonderful! :)

Oh,give me a home where the buffalo roam,
Where the deer and the antelope play;
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word,
And the skies are not cloudy all day.

Oh, give me a land where the bright diamond sand
Flows leisurely down the stream;
Where the graceful white swan goes gliding along
Like a maid in a heavenly dream.

Home, home on the range,
Where the deer and the antelope play;
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word,
And the skies are not cloudy all day.

How often at night when the heavens are bright
With the light of the glittering stars,
Have I stood here amazed and asked as I gazed
If their glory exceeds that of ours.

Home, home on the range,
Where the deer and the antelope play;
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word,
And the skies are not cloudy all day.

Oh, I love these wild flowers in this dear land of ours;
The curlew I love to hear scream;
And I love the white rocks and the antelope flocks
That graze on the mountain-tops green.

Home, home on the range,
Where the deer and the antelope play;
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word,
And the skies are not cloudy all day.

The red man was pressed from this part of the West,
He's likely no more to return
To the banks of Red River where seldom if ever
Their flickering campfires burn.

Home, home on the range,
Where the deer and the antelope play;
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word,
And the skies are not cloudy all day.

Where the air is so pure, the zephyrs so free,
The breezes so balmy and light,
That I would not exchange my home on the range
For all the cities so bright.

Home, home on the range,
Where the deer and the antelope play;
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word,
And the skies are not cloudy all day.

Oh, I would not exchange my home on the range,
Where the deer and the antelope play;
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word
And the skies are not cloudy all day.

Home, home on the range,
Where the deer and the antelope play;
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word,
And the skies are not cloudy all day.

i haven't even met ruby n she will be leaving in a few days.. leaving, yes!
its crazy how things have been running haphazardly.. like it was a different time we used to sit together n giggle over the little things in life.
emotions are clearly just another thing to play with..

i'm being random today.. i feel at my lowest today.. i think i have a real bad cold. today was a waste, i did not study a word. i fear i'm going to let everybody down and even more, let my confidence so low that i may never recover. this result will be my boost, i need it so badly!
help! :(

i wish i had a time machine and i could see where i will be by the end of this year.
*yawn*
good night.

...

i have a bad cold. i have work again tomorrow. i have classes. i need to study. i have to get some sleep. 24 hours is not enough.

Legally Graduate!

i graduated today..
and all that my dad could say was "kal hi toh tujhe god mein khana khilata tha, aaj graduate bhi ho gayi.." :)

Tagged - 24hrs before you die!

i've been tagged on this by John and its my first tag of this kind!
24 hrs before u die, ok now that's freaky!

over the last year my friends have lost a lot of their friends, and every time i heard of something like that my heart skipped a beat to think of it happening to my folks. i don't think i'd be able to keep myself composed if such a day ever came! but, to be honest its much easier to think how it would be had u only 24hrs to live, maybe cos its a selfish thought to pass away silently and not have to bear the eternal pain of staying back and remembering the ones left behind!

If you've seen the movie P.S I Love You, you've probably loved this dialogue too.. and if u haven't i strongly recommend u do watch it, its beautiful!
It goes like..
"We're so arrogant aren't we, so afraid of age, we do everything we can to prevent it.. we don't realise what a prviledge it is to grow old with someone.."


I always used to tell J that i wanna be in love before i die! :)
ha ha.. can't believe all the sweet stuff we spoke bout as kids!
and then the more u grow, the more u grow above relationship, trust & commitments!
I hate to admit this, but i've always been a dreamer! and just not the usual dreamer, but the DDLJ type of dreamer where every Pooja finds her Rahul.. and as the tagline says "Someone Somewhere Is Made For You!"
So i can totally picturise myself with a flowing dupatta over my head running through fields singing songs! :D
*sigh*
one thing i know for sure, i wud defntly be in love for one true moment before i say goodbye!


Coming to reality.. :)
I love to do little personal things for people i care bout and leave them in a manner that finds them in a pleasant surprise!


If i have exactly 24 hrs from the time i am intimated bout my clock ticking, here's FEW of all that i would like to do:

~ Wake up early for once! :P

Would wake up with the birds chirping and the cool breeze blowing! go for a walk in my neighbourhood and breathe in all the beauty of the world around me i might not have noticed the days i actually lived! Smile at every stranger and make that moment a part of his life as much as it will always remain a part of me in eternity!
Also, having "chai and "jalebi" at a local tea shop would make me SO happy! :)

~ Make a comfortable breakfast with the modest things i've always loved!

~ Watch old family movies and photographs and drink in all my childhood innocence and fun! Laugh remembering those moments with my family! Also, all the wondeful selected movies or songs i could possibly hear! Go through old school shirts and letters and report cards! haha!

~ I don't know how i shall manage this bit, but this is the most important one of them all!
I will forgive you for all the hurt you gave me! Yes, i wanna die peacefully!
And for everyone of you, leave a little (ok, not so little) note behind with my last message. Surprisingly, J and me have been together since childhood but neither of us has ever written a testimonial or letter to each other.. simply cos its just not possible to put some things in words! But if i could possibly do that, i'd write my life to her!
Some wonderful people i've come across in my life, would want to let u know in my own humble way that ur loved! :)

~ A delightful bath and a wonderful lunch with my family! i guess the rest of the afternoon i would be doing the above writing work! phew, how am i ever going to finish all of it!

~ In the evening, sit with people who really matter and jam a little! Sing songs, play the guitar and laugh away to glory! haha!

~ I'd have to speak to a few people personally, afterall some chapters need to be closed in this world itself! :P

~ By the time its night and i'm done with the BEST dinner of my life, jus send a msg to a few people saying goodnight! the usual chit-chat with dad and bro and help mamma with the dishes!

~ i guess it must be 11.30 by the time i'm in my room. Say my prayers and ask god to forgive me for any wrong i've done and bless those i love!
For the last time, rewind my life from the day i was born! :)
Listen to a last song on my celfone, and think of the stupid guy who's a little too late! Love u wherever u may be!


And... Dream awaY! :)
*perfect*



I tag:

Hopeless Romatic!

i NEED Good Luck! :)

woo hoo!

i feel pleased and happy with myself!

One, cos i gave back the one person i hated with all my might a good dose of what i felt and bloody scared person later quickly said sumthng n logged out of chat before i replied! hah! bloody b**** i could cut u with a knife and serve u to dogs! yeah, i can sound mean and raw when it comes you! the only person i've given to so much n hated so much more! rot, rot, rot!
Two, me n Jini got wet like two kiddos n danced to 'Khabar Nahi' in the rain. we took snaps, splashed water on each other, collected hailstones and laughed endlessly over what we were doing! :D

the two sides of a coin!
such is life! :)

...

Agreed, sometimes situations are not in our hand.. but what when circumstances are in ur very hands and u let go?
I believe, emotions, should not be let to take the better of us!

:)

i finallyyyy did!! :D

also, i checked my mails for a record number of times in the day today to see if i had recieved the wedding pics.. alas, me n my hopes! :(

:|

yesterday i planned to finish some part of my studies before i went to sleep, so that i could finish the important parts the next whole day! was very sleepy n tired by the time i went to bed around 1am. jus half n hr later i was woken up by this call from my bro giving me updates on whats happening at the wedding! as luck would have it, my sleep completely vanished n i couldn't concentrate anymore either! so, i tossed n turned n "tried" to sleep. ultimately, tiredness got the better of me n i slept in a rather uneasy manner. woke up at 8am with a rather heavy head n then couldn't concentrate on a word of what i was studying all day!
then comes the best news, my cousins n my half family are going to chandigarh! :(
that't it! all that was left to my imperfectly perfect day had been done!
as it is i hadn't been studying n now the bleak chances of what remained too were lost!
went online, chatted a little, cribbed a little, phoned a little, cribbed a little, ate a little, cribbed a little n finally studied very little!
right now, m blogging n i have a paper tomorrow! :|

damn! :|

today, as soon as i was bout to enter the exam hall, papa said "...and don't worry bout ur paper, we'll go to manali in june!" :)
that jus made me so so happy! i said "chandigarh too!", and he jus smiled at me!
i've been making all these glorious post-exam plans for long now.. and today probably when he saw i was a little worried bout the paper, he jus tried his bit to cheer me up! cheer me, he did! jus yesterday i was wondering how i would feel if my papers weren't too good and dad would still take me to my cousin's place in chandigarh.. it wud make me feel horribly guilty! and then today it jus happened that my paper actually wasn't good! it wouldn't hurt me so much, but the fact that everyone else kept writing when i was long done made me feel very uneasy! it was a full theory paper and some questions weren't common to the parts i had done well.. so i jus did whatever i knew really fast n then jus sat there watching others race against time! i kept revising the paper for ages until i finally decided i could take it no longer.. also, i had spent respectable time in the exam hall to make it appear that i knew enough n did enough, yet finished the paper early! hah! :D
well, that doesn't make me feel any less guilty now! i jus wanna give my last paper really really well.. i dunno, jus so tired these days cos of the heat! i feel sleepy n inattentive.. i really don't know how m gonna score.. more that that it bothers me others will do well, well, not all others jus some specific people!
damn damn damn, damn everything!
people njoyin at the marriage while i slog.. not that i care sooo much, but then i told this to dad that my results better be extremely good to off-set my loss of not attending the wedding!
its a bleak vision, a fading dream......

i miss u delhi..

i had waited so much for this day.. inspite of all the adversities, i had been optimistic n rather hoping for a miraculous way out! but neither did the event get postponded nor my exams! i really don't see why everytime there is something u really really wish for, n its right there, but jus at the moment its in ur reach.. snap, its gone! anyway, i dun wanna crib! m supposed to be grown up enough to see things practially! blah.. neway.. so the wedding is happening minus me.. n all the 'oh, why din she come..' n 'i wish she cud..' dun provide enough consolation. i missed the engagement, the sangeet, the mehndi n will too the marriage! the pics were mailed the very next day of the engagement so that i would "not miss" so much! well, that thought did give me marginal relief.. but then the next moment when i saw all those pics n heard all of it from the numerous phone calls that have been coming in to keep me"updated".. i started feelin low all the more! and here's the worst part, u can't really speak ur heart out.. cos that wud make the others "feel bad"! sigh..
neway, today mamma n my bro also left for the wedding while i slog my ass out for my next paper tomm. as u can make out the obvious, i've been soooo dedicated! bshit!
i wish there was still some way i would wake up in the morning n get to know xams were cancelled.. but then there is no way i can reach delhi in a day except flights, tickets of course i wudn't get so early! so i guess the only solace i can find is in the saying "all that happens is for good!" and maybe its true too.. or so i hope! :(
back to books..
damn!

punjabiyaan di shaan vakhri!

oof! DEV D is awesum!
i've seen it so many times now n each times i feel the emotions a little more than before! u know what, sumtims i jus feel so proud of being punjabi! :D yeah! there's power in being punjabi, if u know what i mean! the feel of it is... 'different'! the language.. the love.. the food too.. all of it is jus so from within! :) the whole PARO part of the movie in the beginning is like so personal.. not as in to me, but in every frame of the movie u find these elements n u know its been made very with a lot of personal feel to it! n punjabi language is sumthing completely out of the world! \m/ i know ppl who can speak the language, but punjabi minus the accent is jus another means of communication! like i say, its the feel that counts!
neway, the heat is unbearable these days.. as it is i dun feel like studying n with the heat all the more i have excuses! :P
though i have been encouraged by A to do sum study work, so i guess i shall!
right away, zzooooming back to books! :)

:D

i feel like i havent written in ages now & need to! 3rd yr exams can completely take a toll on u, more so if u have to go on with jus one n half hrs of sleep. seems like i was more than usual worried for the first paper & ended up slogging too much with too little of sleep! by the time i finished my paper.. i was dizzy, sweaty & very weak! i even called up a friend few hours before the exam n made him sing on the phone! poor guy obliged very nicely n sang me 'khabar nahi'! :)
sometimes cribbing is good! it makes u feel so much lighter from within! i think at times everyone should behave like a child! maybe get wet in the rain or play in the mud or maybe jus whine like a baby! not the housewifey cribbing, but the happy happy one! trust me, u feel so good! and the best part is, the people who actually are with you at such times patiently listening to u & laughing or pretending to seriously reciprocate ur feel..jus giving it back to u n being there with u.. u know that these people are ur true frnds!
i dunno how many of us actually use that term 'true frnz' anymore! S once told me "when u grow old & u can still count ur frnz on ur fingers, means u've lived a life worthwhile!" that time i was young i jus laughed out n said "oh, i have 8 good frnz to count" *sigh* n to say S n me dun even talk nemor! i dunno what happens with time, do thinks become really taken for granted? i guess i did take him a little too granted n maybe his way of approaching things wasn't exactly how they shud've been either. neway, such is life!
now, i'll need to get back to books. 3 more exams n i'm a 'graduate', legally! :D

...

there are some people whom u can never forget.. or maybe forgive.. cos u loved them jus too much to be treated by them this way!
came here to vent out.. but i dun feel like writing nemore!

blabh blah!

i feel all crappy inside! there's so much to be done n so much time on hand, but m totally wasting it all away! n there are days when i feel like doing something productive but i start having random migraine pains! i hate it.. ok not so much, but i hate it when they happen on wrong days! i wasted my entire day yesterday! nowadays, m carrying books to work so that i can do some reading there.. but by the time i'm home, i'm completely exhausted n then i feel all tired n sleepy! i dun know how to make things work! there is so much to be done n so much workload.. so much added stuff that shudn't have been this way! its not working, nothings working.. all the more, now that i finally want things to work they won't! crap, maybe there will be some light at the faaar end of the tunnel.. someone flash a torch plz! neway, back to life.. time for work!
i dunno, am i pale or things r really pale these days?
the only thing i look forward to are my guitar classes.. but then i feel have i earned it? its like i deserve to be confided to a room with no tv/pc/celfone n jus be asked to DO something/anything!
*sigh*
i need someone/something!

\m/

its crazy how i can think of a thousand things all at the same time..
and then sometimes i jus have these flashes of memories from some pre-historic era n i'm surprised how i can remember such unimportant stuff with such precise details!

so neway, i was reading a blog today n i cud totally relate to it. this girl writes bout her last day of school n how she din cry n how supposedly mean it is of her that she din feel bad leavin school. jus reminded me of my school days. i hated school. period.

i din hate my school life.. as in i din hate all of it. but there second part of my school life in kolkata, that i hated! i had reasons to! its jus that people tell u how wonderful school life is n how they miss it n wud like to go back.. i jus listen to them like 'yeah sure..' but deep down all i wanna do is SCREAM n tell them to fuckin shut up! good for u, u had a brilliant schooling.. i, on the other hand never particularly liked my school. i have memories.. bad, worse, nasty! and the good ones aren't able enough to off-set them! yeah i looked nice on my farewell day n to most girls that is one hell of an important day.. so, if that helps in showing off how nice my school life was, ***** to you!

abuses also remind me, we were at the terace.. me n J's frnz.. funny how i still refer to them as J's frnz.. as if they're still not my frnz n J has a prior claim on them of sum sorts! anyhow, to me she always will! so we're there n some guy comes up with the idea of playing chinese/japanese whisper.. like we're in class 2 goin home in school bus or sumthing. so till then its ok, but D comes up with a brilliant idea of using abuses as we play.! so what u gotta do is pass around a new word to the one on ur left, n then each one asks a q/s to the one on the right n u say the word that was told to u before. simple! only we had to pass around abuses.. and abuses they were! even worse, they were in bengali. i had never heard even one of them ever in my life n it also included bengali words of private parts! ughh.. i did not know even one word n jus ended up passing 'son of a b****' n 'b******'! these two were the most decent ones passed around. and the ones i received, god bless me! i could not make myself say 'g****' n was cursin J for passing it to me. n then very sheepishly i did say it out, my FIRST bengali slang! n yes, it did make out to be a BIG deal for me! :D
D was like, u took that much of effort to say jus that! hell yeah, i don't use abuses buddy! i can just bear to hear the 'b' words, dats all! so neway, these guys r nice.. as in not nicey-nice, but pretty normal people.. the ones who don't discuss lives of others for no reason! its strange how i tried my first puff with them too.. now its almost like jini n her frnz are part of my system! :P

so neway, back to the schooling part. whenever i see J n her frnz, i feel nice bout having a decent school life. i'd have one too if i was not forced to come to Kolkata from Delhi. i loved Delhi, i hated and loved the winter there, n mamma having to force me outa bed n forcibly brush my teeth n push the lil crying baby into the school bus. i loved Nidhi, Divya n Ayesha. n though the last time i went to Delhi n met them, they din remember a thing! :(
but that's ok, cos we were really young then. n yes, though i did feel a lil sad cos i thought of them so much when i was here at Kolkata, but then its me who needed them n our memories, not them!

Anyhow, post-Delhi, i grew to be all the more introvert n shy. sometimes J takes me to her school n describes all the mischief they did, n all the 'guy' fun, n the 'girl' talks n train joueney n what not! i like to hear all of it cos it makes me feel all nice n innocent n kiddish from within!
me n she have had a nice childhood choreographing songs n dancing to 'akela hai Mr. Khiladi..'! :P
to washing clothes we stained with colours from her mom's new bindi-maker set! :D
to having raw close-up toothpaste n then running to the bathroom cos it was toooo minty! i'm glad shez there n she knows she has me! we can jus be ourselves n let go when we're together! all the 'good J' n 'good me' disappear n we fantacise n talk our happy hours! :)
so J apparently has had a wonderful schooling n it got me so elated when i saw her school that we planned to send our kids to her school together! :D

Damn, i got lost again! neway, so i thot Kolkata was jus another visit n i wud be back to Delhi. i lived at my cousins place at IIM n i thot it Kolkata was wonderful. but then as soon as we stepped out n i had my interview at my school, life was such a burden! ever since i've almost hated this place too but now that i've grown up, i'm kind of ok being here cos this place hardly changes! its the lazy feel n the old-world charm of the city i like. it makes me feel safe. also maybe cos i dont want to try out a new city after gettin used to the secure feeling in here. Delhi is too huge to live in! yeah i sometimes wonder how i would be had i grown up in Delhi, but anyhow lifes like that!

i think i've drifted away too much today, dunno wats on my mind! bottomline is i never liked coming here leaving my school in delhi n so i never interacted with people cos i always thought we would go back. n by the time i realised i HAD to mix with people cos we're staying, i guess i grew up a lot n people jus took me to be a typical nice n quiet girl who could be bullied easily! *hmpf* neway, i have bad memories of school.. the suffocating classes, dirty corridors to smell bathrooms i never went to, bad teacher (with exceptions), really bad classmates.. n worst!
lets not get to all these anymore, cos its past now!

i'm still glad i'm a good girl n i have better things than discussing the poor lives of others.. u, infact my dear have a loser life to dicsus bout others! i'm also glad i have few but good frnz around me, who reciprocate my feelings! i'm glad i don't hurt people or say selfish words to them! i'm glad ive stopped bothering (more or less) and dun care of what Anyone thinks of me for that matter!

yeah, i like me!



Also, i like blogging here.. windows live spaces is too compliacted! n also too crowded! i like the anonymity here.. except for A ofcourse, who i have no problemo with! :D
specially after the tattoo prank, i'm jus too sure he will never end up fallin for me like typical guys.. especially cos our meet was very on-the-lines-of-a-love-story types! n he being a J's frnd again, he wudnt even dare to!! we both have very similar yet different lives, n better things to do as well! :P
n as J says, hez too short for me! :D he he.. m glad to have met u A!

see, now i mentioned u in my blog too! :)
phew, longest blog! \m/

...

There are better things to be done in life, really!

for S..

this year has hopefully started on a good note! :)
2008 finally did end well.. with all the unimaginable worst happening throughout the year, i was more than ecstatic the way it ended! to know the M's was more than an experience i can ever forget. meeting S for the first time, getting so attached to him in jus 2 days and then crying on letting him go.. all of it is perhaps from some different world!
i totally continue to surprise myself each day! i thot all of it had been buried deep down, but seems like i still can grow immensely attached to people. S touches the lives of everyone he meets, he did mine too. it will take time to get back to routine and i am in no hurry either! i miss him n i wish he didn't have to go. in more ways than one, he reminded me of A.. of whom i do think but don't wish to! m glad it doesn't affect me anymore, not until the day i might have to come across A sumtim in life. but S, i wish he gets the very best in life! atleast this taught me i'm still vulnerable and that its true, sometimes it jus takes a moment to love someone and sometimes ages dont suffice.
anyhow, S is my kid brother and i love him. period.
i can perhaps go on sayin what a wondeful n pure soul he is but then i don't want to feel sad all over again! it had been ages since i had cried that way n it made me feel good. somewhere between growing-up n being strong, i had forgotten how to love, how to cry! it was great meeting u S, may u have a beautiful life n wonderful people in it!

i know things will change when u go back, n so the moment we hugged, i took it all in with a deep breath.. jus trying to live the 2 days we had n all our little innocent fun in that moment! ur the bestest brother any sis can have! :) god bless!
thank u again for makin me re-live the emotions i thought i had left behind. now, i know it all over again that i'm still the lil girl i was.. that to love a person from all my heart n to give a part of myself to him, it still takes me jus a moment! :)

miss u S..
<3