there are some people whom u can never forget.. or maybe forgive.. cos u loved them jus too much to be treated by them this way!
came here to vent out.. but i dun feel like writing nemore!
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Thursday, February 5, 2009
blabh blah!
i feel all crappy inside! there's so much to be done n so much time on hand, but m totally wasting it all away! n there are days when i feel like doing something productive but i start having random migraine pains! i hate it.. ok not so much, but i hate it when they happen on wrong days! i wasted my entire day yesterday! nowadays, m carrying books to work so that i can do some reading there.. but by the time i'm home, i'm completely exhausted n then i feel all tired n sleepy! i dun know how to make things work! there is so much to be done n so much workload.. so much added stuff that shudn't have been this way! its not working, nothings working.. all the more, now that i finally want things to work they won't! crap, maybe there will be some light at the faaar end of the tunnel.. someone flash a torch plz! neway, back to life.. time for work!
i dunno, am i pale or things r really pale these days?
the only thing i look forward to are my guitar classes.. but then i feel have i earned it? its like i deserve to be confided to a room with no tv/pc/celfone n jus be asked to DO something/anything!
*sigh*
i need someone/something!
i dunno, am i pale or things r really pale these days?
the only thing i look forward to are my guitar classes.. but then i feel have i earned it? its like i deserve to be confided to a room with no tv/pc/celfone n jus be asked to DO something/anything!
*sigh*
i need someone/something!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
\m/
its crazy how i can think of a thousand things all at the same time..
and then sometimes i jus have these flashes of memories from some pre-historic era n i'm surprised how i can remember such unimportant stuff with such precise details!
so neway, i was reading a blog today n i cud totally relate to it. this girl writes bout her last day of school n how she din cry n how supposedly mean it is of her that she din feel bad leavin school. jus reminded me of my school days. i hated school. period.
i din hate my school life.. as in i din hate all of it. but there second part of my school life in kolkata, that i hated! i had reasons to! its jus that people tell u how wonderful school life is n how they miss it n wud like to go back.. i jus listen to them like 'yeah sure..' but deep down all i wanna do is SCREAM n tell them to fuckin shut up! good for u, u had a brilliant schooling.. i, on the other hand never particularly liked my school. i have memories.. bad, worse, nasty! and the good ones aren't able enough to off-set them! yeah i looked nice on my farewell day n to most girls that is one hell of an important day.. so, if that helps in showing off how nice my school life was, ***** to you!
abuses also remind me, we were at the terace.. me n J's frnz.. funny how i still refer to them as J's frnz.. as if they're still not my frnz n J has a prior claim on them of sum sorts! anyhow, to me she always will! so we're there n some guy comes up with the idea of playing chinese/japanese whisper.. like we're in class 2 goin home in school bus or sumthing. so till then its ok, but D comes up with a brilliant idea of using abuses as we play.! so what u gotta do is pass around a new word to the one on ur left, n then each one asks a q/s to the one on the right n u say the word that was told to u before. simple! only we had to pass around abuses.. and abuses they were! even worse, they were in bengali. i had never heard even one of them ever in my life n it also included bengali words of private parts! ughh.. i did not know even one word n jus ended up passing 'son of a b****' n 'b******'! these two were the most decent ones passed around. and the ones i received, god bless me! i could not make myself say 'g****' n was cursin J for passing it to me. n then very sheepishly i did say it out, my FIRST bengali slang! n yes, it did make out to be a BIG deal for me! :D
D was like, u took that much of effort to say jus that! hell yeah, i don't use abuses buddy! i can just bear to hear the 'b' words, dats all! so neway, these guys r nice.. as in not nicey-nice, but pretty normal people.. the ones who don't discuss lives of others for no reason! its strange how i tried my first puff with them too.. now its almost like jini n her frnz are part of my system! :P
so neway, back to the schooling part. whenever i see J n her frnz, i feel nice bout having a decent school life. i'd have one too if i was not forced to come to Kolkata from Delhi. i loved Delhi, i hated and loved the winter there, n mamma having to force me outa bed n forcibly brush my teeth n push the lil crying baby into the school bus. i loved Nidhi, Divya n Ayesha. n though the last time i went to Delhi n met them, they din remember a thing! :(
but that's ok, cos we were really young then. n yes, though i did feel a lil sad cos i thought of them so much when i was here at Kolkata, but then its me who needed them n our memories, not them!
Anyhow, post-Delhi, i grew to be all the more introvert n shy. sometimes J takes me to her school n describes all the mischief they did, n all the 'guy' fun, n the 'girl' talks n train joueney n what not! i like to hear all of it cos it makes me feel all nice n innocent n kiddish from within!
me n she have had a nice childhood choreographing songs n dancing to 'akela hai Mr. Khiladi..'! :P
to washing clothes we stained with colours from her mom's new bindi-maker set! :D
to having raw close-up toothpaste n then running to the bathroom cos it was toooo minty! i'm glad shez there n she knows she has me! we can jus be ourselves n let go when we're together! all the 'good J' n 'good me' disappear n we fantacise n talk our happy hours! :)
so J apparently has had a wonderful schooling n it got me so elated when i saw her school that we planned to send our kids to her school together! :D
Damn, i got lost again! neway, so i thot Kolkata was jus another visit n i wud be back to Delhi. i lived at my cousins place at IIM n i thot it Kolkata was wonderful. but then as soon as we stepped out n i had my interview at my school, life was such a burden! ever since i've almost hated this place too but now that i've grown up, i'm kind of ok being here cos this place hardly changes! its the lazy feel n the old-world charm of the city i like. it makes me feel safe. also maybe cos i dont want to try out a new city after gettin used to the secure feeling in here. Delhi is too huge to live in! yeah i sometimes wonder how i would be had i grown up in Delhi, but anyhow lifes like that!
i think i've drifted away too much today, dunno wats on my mind! bottomline is i never liked coming here leaving my school in delhi n so i never interacted with people cos i always thought we would go back. n by the time i realised i HAD to mix with people cos we're staying, i guess i grew up a lot n people jus took me to be a typical nice n quiet girl who could be bullied easily! *hmpf* neway, i have bad memories of school.. the suffocating classes, dirty corridors to smell bathrooms i never went to, bad teacher (with exceptions), really bad classmates.. n worst!
lets not get to all these anymore, cos its past now!
i'm still glad i'm a good girl n i have better things than discussing the poor lives of others.. u, infact my dear have a loser life to dicsus bout others! i'm also glad i have few but good frnz around me, who reciprocate my feelings! i'm glad i don't hurt people or say selfish words to them! i'm glad ive stopped bothering (more or less) and dun care of what Anyone thinks of me for that matter!
yeah, i like me!
Also, i like blogging here.. windows live spaces is too compliacted! n also too crowded! i like the anonymity here.. except for A ofcourse, who i have no problemo with! :D
specially after the tattoo prank, i'm jus too sure he will never end up fallin for me like typical guys.. especially cos our meet was very on-the-lines-of-a-love-story types! n he being a J's frnd again, he wudnt even dare to!! we both have very similar yet different lives, n better things to do as well! :P
n as J says, hez too short for me! :D he he.. m glad to have met u A!
see, now i mentioned u in my blog too! :)
phew, longest blog! \m/
and then sometimes i jus have these flashes of memories from some pre-historic era n i'm surprised how i can remember such unimportant stuff with such precise details!
so neway, i was reading a blog today n i cud totally relate to it. this girl writes bout her last day of school n how she din cry n how supposedly mean it is of her that she din feel bad leavin school. jus reminded me of my school days. i hated school. period.
i din hate my school life.. as in i din hate all of it. but there second part of my school life in kolkata, that i hated! i had reasons to! its jus that people tell u how wonderful school life is n how they miss it n wud like to go back.. i jus listen to them like 'yeah sure..' but deep down all i wanna do is SCREAM n tell them to fuckin shut up! good for u, u had a brilliant schooling.. i, on the other hand never particularly liked my school. i have memories.. bad, worse, nasty! and the good ones aren't able enough to off-set them! yeah i looked nice on my farewell day n to most girls that is one hell of an important day.. so, if that helps in showing off how nice my school life was, ***** to you!
abuses also remind me, we were at the terace.. me n J's frnz.. funny how i still refer to them as J's frnz.. as if they're still not my frnz n J has a prior claim on them of sum sorts! anyhow, to me she always will! so we're there n some guy comes up with the idea of playing chinese/japanese whisper.. like we're in class 2 goin home in school bus or sumthing. so till then its ok, but D comes up with a brilliant idea of using abuses as we play.! so what u gotta do is pass around a new word to the one on ur left, n then each one asks a q/s to the one on the right n u say the word that was told to u before. simple! only we had to pass around abuses.. and abuses they were! even worse, they were in bengali. i had never heard even one of them ever in my life n it also included bengali words of private parts! ughh.. i did not know even one word n jus ended up passing 'son of a b****' n 'b******'! these two were the most decent ones passed around. and the ones i received, god bless me! i could not make myself say 'g****' n was cursin J for passing it to me. n then very sheepishly i did say it out, my FIRST bengali slang! n yes, it did make out to be a BIG deal for me! :D
D was like, u took that much of effort to say jus that! hell yeah, i don't use abuses buddy! i can just bear to hear the 'b' words, dats all! so neway, these guys r nice.. as in not nicey-nice, but pretty normal people.. the ones who don't discuss lives of others for no reason! its strange how i tried my first puff with them too.. now its almost like jini n her frnz are part of my system! :P
so neway, back to the schooling part. whenever i see J n her frnz, i feel nice bout having a decent school life. i'd have one too if i was not forced to come to Kolkata from Delhi. i loved Delhi, i hated and loved the winter there, n mamma having to force me outa bed n forcibly brush my teeth n push the lil crying baby into the school bus. i loved Nidhi, Divya n Ayesha. n though the last time i went to Delhi n met them, they din remember a thing! :(
but that's ok, cos we were really young then. n yes, though i did feel a lil sad cos i thought of them so much when i was here at Kolkata, but then its me who needed them n our memories, not them!
Anyhow, post-Delhi, i grew to be all the more introvert n shy. sometimes J takes me to her school n describes all the mischief they did, n all the 'guy' fun, n the 'girl' talks n train joueney n what not! i like to hear all of it cos it makes me feel all nice n innocent n kiddish from within!
me n she have had a nice childhood choreographing songs n dancing to 'akela hai Mr. Khiladi..'! :P
to washing clothes we stained with colours from her mom's new bindi-maker set! :D
to having raw close-up toothpaste n then running to the bathroom cos it was toooo minty! i'm glad shez there n she knows she has me! we can jus be ourselves n let go when we're together! all the 'good J' n 'good me' disappear n we fantacise n talk our happy hours! :)
so J apparently has had a wonderful schooling n it got me so elated when i saw her school that we planned to send our kids to her school together! :D
Damn, i got lost again! neway, so i thot Kolkata was jus another visit n i wud be back to Delhi. i lived at my cousins place at IIM n i thot it Kolkata was wonderful. but then as soon as we stepped out n i had my interview at my school, life was such a burden! ever since i've almost hated this place too but now that i've grown up, i'm kind of ok being here cos this place hardly changes! its the lazy feel n the old-world charm of the city i like. it makes me feel safe. also maybe cos i dont want to try out a new city after gettin used to the secure feeling in here. Delhi is too huge to live in! yeah i sometimes wonder how i would be had i grown up in Delhi, but anyhow lifes like that!
i think i've drifted away too much today, dunno wats on my mind! bottomline is i never liked coming here leaving my school in delhi n so i never interacted with people cos i always thought we would go back. n by the time i realised i HAD to mix with people cos we're staying, i guess i grew up a lot n people jus took me to be a typical nice n quiet girl who could be bullied easily! *hmpf* neway, i have bad memories of school.. the suffocating classes, dirty corridors to smell bathrooms i never went to, bad teacher (with exceptions), really bad classmates.. n worst!
lets not get to all these anymore, cos its past now!
i'm still glad i'm a good girl n i have better things than discussing the poor lives of others.. u, infact my dear have a loser life to dicsus bout others! i'm also glad i have few but good frnz around me, who reciprocate my feelings! i'm glad i don't hurt people or say selfish words to them! i'm glad ive stopped bothering (more or less) and dun care of what Anyone thinks of me for that matter!
yeah, i like me!
Also, i like blogging here.. windows live spaces is too compliacted! n also too crowded! i like the anonymity here.. except for A ofcourse, who i have no problemo with! :D
specially after the tattoo prank, i'm jus too sure he will never end up fallin for me like typical guys.. especially cos our meet was very on-the-lines-of-a-love-story types! n he being a J's frnd again, he wudnt even dare to!! we both have very similar yet different lives, n better things to do as well! :P
n as J says, hez too short for me! :D he he.. m glad to have met u A!
see, now i mentioned u in my blog too! :)
phew, longest blog! \m/
Friday, January 9, 2009
Thursday, January 1, 2009
for S..
this year has hopefully started on a good note! :)
2008 finally did end well.. with all the unimaginable worst happening throughout the year, i was more than ecstatic the way it ended! to know the M's was more than an experience i can ever forget. meeting S for the first time, getting so attached to him in jus 2 days and then crying on letting him go.. all of it is perhaps from some different world!
i totally continue to surprise myself each day! i thot all of it had been buried deep down, but seems like i still can grow immensely attached to people. S touches the lives of everyone he meets, he did mine too. it will take time to get back to routine and i am in no hurry either! i miss him n i wish he didn't have to go. in more ways than one, he reminded me of A.. of whom i do think but don't wish to! m glad it doesn't affect me anymore, not until the day i might have to come across A sumtim in life. but S, i wish he gets the very best in life! atleast this taught me i'm still vulnerable and that its true, sometimes it jus takes a moment to love someone and sometimes ages dont suffice.
anyhow, S is my kid brother and i love him. period.
i can perhaps go on sayin what a wondeful n pure soul he is but then i don't want to feel sad all over again! it had been ages since i had cried that way n it made me feel good. somewhere between growing-up n being strong, i had forgotten how to love, how to cry! it was great meeting u S, may u have a beautiful life n wonderful people in it!
i know things will change when u go back, n so the moment we hugged, i took it all in with a deep breath.. jus trying to live the 2 days we had n all our little innocent fun in that moment! ur the bestest brother any sis can have! :) god bless!
thank u again for makin me re-live the emotions i thought i had left behind. now, i know it all over again that i'm still the lil girl i was.. that to love a person from all my heart n to give a part of myself to him, it still takes me jus a moment! :)
miss u S..
<3
2008 finally did end well.. with all the unimaginable worst happening throughout the year, i was more than ecstatic the way it ended! to know the M's was more than an experience i can ever forget. meeting S for the first time, getting so attached to him in jus 2 days and then crying on letting him go.. all of it is perhaps from some different world!
i totally continue to surprise myself each day! i thot all of it had been buried deep down, but seems like i still can grow immensely attached to people. S touches the lives of everyone he meets, he did mine too. it will take time to get back to routine and i am in no hurry either! i miss him n i wish he didn't have to go. in more ways than one, he reminded me of A.. of whom i do think but don't wish to! m glad it doesn't affect me anymore, not until the day i might have to come across A sumtim in life. but S, i wish he gets the very best in life! atleast this taught me i'm still vulnerable and that its true, sometimes it jus takes a moment to love someone and sometimes ages dont suffice.
anyhow, S is my kid brother and i love him. period.
i can perhaps go on sayin what a wondeful n pure soul he is but then i don't want to feel sad all over again! it had been ages since i had cried that way n it made me feel good. somewhere between growing-up n being strong, i had forgotten how to love, how to cry! it was great meeting u S, may u have a beautiful life n wonderful people in it!
i know things will change when u go back, n so the moment we hugged, i took it all in with a deep breath.. jus trying to live the 2 days we had n all our little innocent fun in that moment! ur the bestest brother any sis can have! :) god bless!
thank u again for makin me re-live the emotions i thought i had left behind. now, i know it all over again that i'm still the lil girl i was.. that to love a person from all my heart n to give a part of myself to him, it still takes me jus a moment! :)
miss u S..
<3
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
its 24th dec and in less than a week we will be welcoming another new year..yeah, truly welcoming, cos i can't wait for this year to get over!! its been one hell of a year which i was certainly not hoping it to be. this was a year full of events i had waited for, and in every way wanted things to work out well!
within few days of stepping into jan dad was admitted to the hospital, and if i cud point out then it was the single most worst day of my life so far. u know its hard to explain, but there is this one moment in ur life where u see ur entire world coming down. its like ur on this rollercoaster u din want to get up on..n then ur at the top and u see that ur coming down..but now there's nothing u can do..u can only see that this is it, ur gonna hit earth n there's absofuckinlutely nothing u can do! that moment was such, infact much more! watever, i dun wanna think bout it nemore..
so i did fall terribly sick this year.. had chicken pox, n bad headaches which went from sinusitis to chronic to migraine n blah blah..!
cudnt appear for my C.A inter and well, did a little less better than my competitors in 2nd year. bleh!
anyway i did hope dec to be a tiny-winy better being the last month of the year.. but then being the last month of the year itself, when things want to hit u hard, they hit harder cos its the last oppurtunity they got! i lost this man who was a father figure to a lot of us..
anyway, i simply can't wait for this year to end.. but also dread the coming year..
i don't want it to be even worse cos its even more eventful this coming year.. touchwood!
so i WELCOME this year with warm wishes and a big smile jus hoping things turn out to be good, better, best! :) also, hoping all of u guys have a great year ahead n may all ur 'good' wishes come true!
Merry Christmas to all of u as well! i'll be stupid yet honest, i still put up a stocking each year n my Santa never fails me! :)
have a chilly and happy 25th Dec, hopefully we'll have no tsunami/earthquake/attack etc. this 26th! god bless! :)
i have no resolutions but to compensate all that i've been through this year, i have a lot of good wishes..and with my first stipend ( :D ) i am getting my cartilage pierced! :D
here's hoping all good things come to all of u and ur family this coming year.. and all that happens is for a gud reason! :)
take care! bless me too! :P
within few days of stepping into jan dad was admitted to the hospital, and if i cud point out then it was the single most worst day of my life so far. u know its hard to explain, but there is this one moment in ur life where u see ur entire world coming down. its like ur on this rollercoaster u din want to get up on..n then ur at the top and u see that ur coming down..but now there's nothing u can do..u can only see that this is it, ur gonna hit earth n there's absofuckinlutely nothing u can do! that moment was such, infact much more! watever, i dun wanna think bout it nemore..
so i did fall terribly sick this year.. had chicken pox, n bad headaches which went from sinusitis to chronic to migraine n blah blah..!
cudnt appear for my C.A inter and well, did a little less better than my competitors in 2nd year. bleh!
anyway i did hope dec to be a tiny-winy better being the last month of the year.. but then being the last month of the year itself, when things want to hit u hard, they hit harder cos its the last oppurtunity they got! i lost this man who was a father figure to a lot of us..
anyway, i simply can't wait for this year to end.. but also dread the coming year..
i don't want it to be even worse cos its even more eventful this coming year.. touchwood!
so i WELCOME this year with warm wishes and a big smile jus hoping things turn out to be good, better, best! :) also, hoping all of u guys have a great year ahead n may all ur 'good' wishes come true!
Merry Christmas to all of u as well! i'll be stupid yet honest, i still put up a stocking each year n my Santa never fails me! :)
have a chilly and happy 25th Dec, hopefully we'll have no tsunami/earthquake/attack etc. this 26th! god bless! :)
i have no resolutions but to compensate all that i've been through this year, i have a lot of good wishes..and with my first stipend ( :D ) i am getting my cartilage pierced! :D
here's hoping all good things come to all of u and ur family this coming year.. and all that happens is for a gud reason! :)
take care! bless me too! :P
Sunday, December 21, 2008
mirror
this was something i had written a long time back.. had put it up on my old blog space.. came across it while reading few old posts..
the times u were young n played innocently..
that giggle, those pranks..
life was a playground of fantasies..
the first classroom, the first repulsion towards growing..
crying in ur mamma's arms, begging not to go to school..
life already seeming like a burden..
n oh, how we were told that it was jus few more years to endure..
high school nasty comments, laughters filled with sarcasm..
the first anger burning inside, the impulsive words spoken..
drawing into ur own self, withdrawing from the circle..
makin happy with the dark, cursing at the moon..
decisions of life..responsibilities unattended..
losing that special someone..only one..
then another new chapter of life..
a breeze of bliss..
a life born of a life..
return to innocence..
watching as time grows..
colours fading from the eye..
a step towards the horizon..
a moment of tide..
and peace..
the times u were young n played innocently..
that giggle, those pranks..
life was a playground of fantasies..
the first classroom, the first repulsion towards growing..
crying in ur mamma's arms, begging not to go to school..
life already seeming like a burden..
n oh, how we were told that it was jus few more years to endure..
high school nasty comments, laughters filled with sarcasm..
the first anger burning inside, the impulsive words spoken..
drawing into ur own self, withdrawing from the circle..
makin happy with the dark, cursing at the moon..
decisions of life..responsibilities unattended..
losing that special someone..only one..
then another new chapter of life..
a breeze of bliss..
a life born of a life..
return to innocence..
watching as time grows..
colours fading from the eye..
a step towards the horizon..
a moment of tide..
and peace..
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