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its crazy how i can think of a thousand things all at the same time..
and then sometimes i jus have these flashes of memories from some pre-historic era n i'm surprised how i can remember such unimportant stuff with such precise details!

so neway, i was reading a blog today n i cud totally relate to it. this girl writes bout her last day of school n how she din cry n how supposedly mean it is of her that she din feel bad leavin school. jus reminded me of my school days. i hated school. period.

i din hate my school life.. as in i din hate all of it. but there second part of my school life in kolkata, that i hated! i had reasons to! its jus that people tell u how wonderful school life is n how they miss it n wud like to go back.. i jus listen to them like 'yeah sure..' but deep down all i wanna do is SCREAM n tell them to fuckin shut up! good for u, u had a brilliant schooling.. i, on the other hand never particularly liked my school. i have memories.. bad, worse, nasty! and the good ones aren't able enough to off-set them! yeah i looked nice on my farewell day n to most girls that is one hell of an important day.. so, if that helps in showing off how nice my school life was, ***** to you!

abuses also remind me, we were at the terace.. me n J's frnz.. funny how i still refer to them as J's frnz.. as if they're still not my frnz n J has a prior claim on them of sum sorts! anyhow, to me she always will! so we're there n some guy comes up with the idea of playing chinese/japanese whisper.. like we're in class 2 goin home in school bus or sumthing. so till then its ok, but D comes up with a brilliant idea of using abuses as we play.! so what u gotta do is pass around a new word to the one on ur left, n then each one asks a q/s to the one on the right n u say the word that was told to u before. simple! only we had to pass around abuses.. and abuses they were! even worse, they were in bengali. i had never heard even one of them ever in my life n it also included bengali words of private parts! ughh.. i did not know even one word n jus ended up passing 'son of a b****' n 'b******'! these two were the most decent ones passed around. and the ones i received, god bless me! i could not make myself say 'g****' n was cursin J for passing it to me. n then very sheepishly i did say it out, my FIRST bengali slang! n yes, it did make out to be a BIG deal for me! :D
D was like, u took that much of effort to say jus that! hell yeah, i don't use abuses buddy! i can just bear to hear the 'b' words, dats all! so neway, these guys r nice.. as in not nicey-nice, but pretty normal people.. the ones who don't discuss lives of others for no reason! its strange how i tried my first puff with them too.. now its almost like jini n her frnz are part of my system! :P

so neway, back to the schooling part. whenever i see J n her frnz, i feel nice bout having a decent school life. i'd have one too if i was not forced to come to Kolkata from Delhi. i loved Delhi, i hated and loved the winter there, n mamma having to force me outa bed n forcibly brush my teeth n push the lil crying baby into the school bus. i loved Nidhi, Divya n Ayesha. n though the last time i went to Delhi n met them, they din remember a thing! :(
but that's ok, cos we were really young then. n yes, though i did feel a lil sad cos i thought of them so much when i was here at Kolkata, but then its me who needed them n our memories, not them!

Anyhow, post-Delhi, i grew to be all the more introvert n shy. sometimes J takes me to her school n describes all the mischief they did, n all the 'guy' fun, n the 'girl' talks n train joueney n what not! i like to hear all of it cos it makes me feel all nice n innocent n kiddish from within!
me n she have had a nice childhood choreographing songs n dancing to 'akela hai Mr. Khiladi..'! :P
to washing clothes we stained with colours from her mom's new bindi-maker set! :D
to having raw close-up toothpaste n then running to the bathroom cos it was toooo minty! i'm glad shez there n she knows she has me! we can jus be ourselves n let go when we're together! all the 'good J' n 'good me' disappear n we fantacise n talk our happy hours! :)
so J apparently has had a wonderful schooling n it got me so elated when i saw her school that we planned to send our kids to her school together! :D

Damn, i got lost again! neway, so i thot Kolkata was jus another visit n i wud be back to Delhi. i lived at my cousins place at IIM n i thot it Kolkata was wonderful. but then as soon as we stepped out n i had my interview at my school, life was such a burden! ever since i've almost hated this place too but now that i've grown up, i'm kind of ok being here cos this place hardly changes! its the lazy feel n the old-world charm of the city i like. it makes me feel safe. also maybe cos i dont want to try out a new city after gettin used to the secure feeling in here. Delhi is too huge to live in! yeah i sometimes wonder how i would be had i grown up in Delhi, but anyhow lifes like that!

i think i've drifted away too much today, dunno wats on my mind! bottomline is i never liked coming here leaving my school in delhi n so i never interacted with people cos i always thought we would go back. n by the time i realised i HAD to mix with people cos we're staying, i guess i grew up a lot n people jus took me to be a typical nice n quiet girl who could be bullied easily! *hmpf* neway, i have bad memories of school.. the suffocating classes, dirty corridors to smell bathrooms i never went to, bad teacher (with exceptions), really bad classmates.. n worst!
lets not get to all these anymore, cos its past now!

i'm still glad i'm a good girl n i have better things than discussing the poor lives of others.. u, infact my dear have a loser life to dicsus bout others! i'm also glad i have few but good frnz around me, who reciprocate my feelings! i'm glad i don't hurt people or say selfish words to them! i'm glad ive stopped bothering (more or less) and dun care of what Anyone thinks of me for that matter!

yeah, i like me!



Also, i like blogging here.. windows live spaces is too compliacted! n also too crowded! i like the anonymity here.. except for A ofcourse, who i have no problemo with! :D
specially after the tattoo prank, i'm jus too sure he will never end up fallin for me like typical guys.. especially cos our meet was very on-the-lines-of-a-love-story types! n he being a J's frnd again, he wudnt even dare to!! we both have very similar yet different lives, n better things to do as well! :P
n as J says, hez too short for me! :D he he.. m glad to have met u A!

see, now i mentioned u in my blog too! :)
phew, longest blog! \m/

...

There are better things to be done in life, really!

for S..

this year has hopefully started on a good note! :)
2008 finally did end well.. with all the unimaginable worst happening throughout the year, i was more than ecstatic the way it ended! to know the M's was more than an experience i can ever forget. meeting S for the first time, getting so attached to him in jus 2 days and then crying on letting him go.. all of it is perhaps from some different world!
i totally continue to surprise myself each day! i thot all of it had been buried deep down, but seems like i still can grow immensely attached to people. S touches the lives of everyone he meets, he did mine too. it will take time to get back to routine and i am in no hurry either! i miss him n i wish he didn't have to go. in more ways than one, he reminded me of A.. of whom i do think but don't wish to! m glad it doesn't affect me anymore, not until the day i might have to come across A sumtim in life. but S, i wish he gets the very best in life! atleast this taught me i'm still vulnerable and that its true, sometimes it jus takes a moment to love someone and sometimes ages dont suffice.
anyhow, S is my kid brother and i love him. period.
i can perhaps go on sayin what a wondeful n pure soul he is but then i don't want to feel sad all over again! it had been ages since i had cried that way n it made me feel good. somewhere between growing-up n being strong, i had forgotten how to love, how to cry! it was great meeting u S, may u have a beautiful life n wonderful people in it!

i know things will change when u go back, n so the moment we hugged, i took it all in with a deep breath.. jus trying to live the 2 days we had n all our little innocent fun in that moment! ur the bestest brother any sis can have! :) god bless!
thank u again for makin me re-live the emotions i thought i had left behind. now, i know it all over again that i'm still the lil girl i was.. that to love a person from all my heart n to give a part of myself to him, it still takes me jus a moment! :)

miss u S..
<3