..

..I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry..

~ Keith Urban

i dont know why i don't blog anymore.. blogging used to make me feel good.. jus the fact that you could throw out ur thoughts n feelings into the virtual void n it stays there forever, away from prying eyes..
but these days, i've been back to square one, to my diary..
its the one J n me gifted each other as a bday gift, an identical diary.. and now its serving the purpose it was intended to when bought.. though its a lot less private and accesible by anyone, but i have guards to keep it safe..
i've had 2 other diaries before, each one special in its own ways.. and the good part bout them is that i can go back into my old forgotten memories anytime i want.. with photographs n letters! :)
they're my very own thoughts now penned down forever, so even when i grow old all i need to do is visit these brown crumbled pages n re-live the days of fun, love and tears!
but now the reason for writing again is different.. i mostly feel like writing late at night when my thoughts are at their extereme emotional best.. and usually its too late to switch on the computer and type something.. also, now there are things i don't want some people to know.. basically cos i haven't figured myself out yet!
i've been tracing my life so far, from the lil girl to the teenager.. and now as there are jus 3 months before i cross the line b/w a teenager and grown up, life i really feel has come a full circle..
life is probably at its best now, yet some ends are loose.. and well, not that i expect it to be perfect, its jus that i still need some answers..
J says he intution is at her best, and she feels something really good is coming my way.. well, lets just say Cheers to that!
i must write more now, one blog each day.. jus random stuff bout my day!

goodnight blog! :)

Its that familiar time of the year again.. pujas and the following winter!
When evenings arrive sooner and calmer than summer afternoons.. when the little insects start to appear beside tubelights again.. when the air is filled with a pleasant smell of pujo happiness and mysticism!
Its a familiar nostalgia again.. when the apparent glittery evenings wud eventually fade into cold winter evenings. When past memories would all the more accompany you as you talk a walk down the same roads yet again..

Yesterday it all happened again.. and the pain was as fresh as ever!
Right in front of my eyes, the very sight i wanna forget and even forgive jus so that it wud let me go..
As usual, my headache has been back with renewed force.. and the more i try not to think, the more it effects me..
Unless i figure a way to not let myself get influenced by some people everytime, this pain won't stop.. there has to be some way i can turn to stone..

When the thorn bush turns white that's when I'll come home

I am going out to see what I can sow

And I don't know where I'll go

And I don't know what I'll see

But I'll try not to bring it back home with me



Like the morning sun your eyes will follow me

As you watch me wander, curse the powers that be

Cause all I want is here and now but it's already been and gone

Our intentions always last that bit too long



Far far away, no voices sounding, no one around me and

You're still there

Far far away, no choices passing, no time confounds me and you're still there



In the full moons light I listen to the stream

And in between the silence hear you calling me

But I don't know where I am and I don't trust who I've been

And If I come home how will I ever leave

<3

Love is not something u can read about in novels and claim to know 'exactly how it feels..'
Love is not something u hear about from other's experiences n decide upon..
Love is not something u see between two people n feel magical about..

These are, i believe, just sources to the ultimate destination.. but they make complete sense only when you can look into the eyes of someone and feel that you are ready to accept him inspite of all his faults.. its only when u can be next to him and see urself in his future.. when habits don't matter and just 'the' moment, right there, is the only thing u can hold on to..

its how they say.. " when you love someone, you just say it, you just say it right there.. out loud.. otherwise, the moment just passes you by"

and yet, we spent countless moments staring into his eyes, all the time thinking if we would make it together.. waiting for signs from the universe.. reading sunsigns and hoping for them to decide our destiny.. weighing every move made, every word uttered.. until the sand slips away from our hand..

and yet, all this will hit you with its full force only when u r ready to admit, be brave n proclaim that come what may, ur ready.. throw caution to the wind and declare that ur in love.. n not think if he loves you, or if ur meant to be together.. just let the elements do their work.. and the rest will find its place on it own..

i'm ready for my test, i can't wait to meet him now.. 20 years is a long time!

The day finally arrived. She left all hushed up n hurried. I don't know why the tears won't stop. It's not supposed to be this way, its not!

i've never liked hot drinks too much! not tea, not coffee, not hot chocolate.
its even when people describe how they would ideally like to be.. like their imaginary comfort zone.. sitting beside a window with the rain outside forming beads on the glass, two people as one, with fingers interwined, long hair let down casually.. and a steaming cup of coffee beside!
damn, there.. the last bit spoils it for me..
right now, with this cold n fever.. i'd jus like to sit in a balcony on a summer evening with the wind blowing against my face, wearing a three-qtr sleeved grey comfy sweat shirt and long hair let loose.. guitar in hand, cold vanila milkshake beside me.. jus strumming an old song n smiling to myself.. maybe with my diary beside me open n the pages fluttering..
*sigh*

anyway, i cudnt even go to work n now i fear sitting in the A.C class in the evening! my nose is continously running n i feel so weak n feverish. i have no taste in my mouth yet i'm hungry. i feel lazy yet i cant sleep anymore. i wanna write so much but i don't have the energy.
right here, right now, i need a vacation..


this is a song i had learnt in school n i looove it! jus visualise it, its so wonderful! :)

Oh,give me a home where the buffalo roam,
Where the deer and the antelope play;
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word,
And the skies are not cloudy all day.

Oh, give me a land where the bright diamond sand
Flows leisurely down the stream;
Where the graceful white swan goes gliding along
Like a maid in a heavenly dream.

Home, home on the range,
Where the deer and the antelope play;
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word,
And the skies are not cloudy all day.

How often at night when the heavens are bright
With the light of the glittering stars,
Have I stood here amazed and asked as I gazed
If their glory exceeds that of ours.

Home, home on the range,
Where the deer and the antelope play;
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word,
And the skies are not cloudy all day.

Oh, I love these wild flowers in this dear land of ours;
The curlew I love to hear scream;
And I love the white rocks and the antelope flocks
That graze on the mountain-tops green.

Home, home on the range,
Where the deer and the antelope play;
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word,
And the skies are not cloudy all day.

The red man was pressed from this part of the West,
He's likely no more to return
To the banks of Red River where seldom if ever
Their flickering campfires burn.

Home, home on the range,
Where the deer and the antelope play;
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word,
And the skies are not cloudy all day.

Where the air is so pure, the zephyrs so free,
The breezes so balmy and light,
That I would not exchange my home on the range
For all the cities so bright.

Home, home on the range,
Where the deer and the antelope play;
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word,
And the skies are not cloudy all day.

Oh, I would not exchange my home on the range,
Where the deer and the antelope play;
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word
And the skies are not cloudy all day.

Home, home on the range,
Where the deer and the antelope play;
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word,
And the skies are not cloudy all day.