You..

I just want you to know, that if tomorrow i shall not be with you anymore.. i would've gone with your memories in my heart, with happy moments of laughter and smile and tears that i'll forever carry with my soul. i just want you to know, that you are a major part of my life. A part that has held me when i've stumbled, comforted me when i was in pain, believed in me when i was in doubt, hugged me when i was scared, comforted me when i was sad. YOU have given me smiles, tears, happiness, youth, beauty, bliss, love and serenity! I have spent the little life that i had memorably, and there are no regrets. There are no complains, there are no grudges or sadness.. there's just a smile, on my lips, on your lips, on our lips. You've given me air to breathe and the feeling that i took along with in inside, has made me real, made me lively, made me s.m.i.l.e :)

I will always be with you, always looking upon. And life will carry on, till the day we finally meet.. i will wait till then, and so shall you.. you shall come, only when it is time to unite. And then, it will finally be Forever! I love you :)

fade to black

what do u say, when someone makes you cry and then says ur unhappy with them..
what do u do, when ur smile now seems to him as 'fake'..
where do you go, when someone asks you to leave when every moment you wanted to hold on..

life, just lost a little meaning.. faith, just got a bit shattered.. innocence, just got a little faded..
this doesn't seem the way to happiness, i'm sure..

..

..I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry..

~ Keith Urban

i dont know why i don't blog anymore.. blogging used to make me feel good.. jus the fact that you could throw out ur thoughts n feelings into the virtual void n it stays there forever, away from prying eyes..
but these days, i've been back to square one, to my diary..
its the one J n me gifted each other as a bday gift, an identical diary.. and now its serving the purpose it was intended to when bought.. though its a lot less private and accesible by anyone, but i have guards to keep it safe..
i've had 2 other diaries before, each one special in its own ways.. and the good part bout them is that i can go back into my old forgotten memories anytime i want.. with photographs n letters! :)
they're my very own thoughts now penned down forever, so even when i grow old all i need to do is visit these brown crumbled pages n re-live the days of fun, love and tears!
but now the reason for writing again is different.. i mostly feel like writing late at night when my thoughts are at their extereme emotional best.. and usually its too late to switch on the computer and type something.. also, now there are things i don't want some people to know.. basically cos i haven't figured myself out yet!
i've been tracing my life so far, from the lil girl to the teenager.. and now as there are jus 3 months before i cross the line b/w a teenager and grown up, life i really feel has come a full circle..
life is probably at its best now, yet some ends are loose.. and well, not that i expect it to be perfect, its jus that i still need some answers..
J says he intution is at her best, and she feels something really good is coming my way.. well, lets just say Cheers to that!
i must write more now, one blog each day.. jus random stuff bout my day!

goodnight blog! :)

Its that familiar time of the year again.. pujas and the following winter!
When evenings arrive sooner and calmer than summer afternoons.. when the little insects start to appear beside tubelights again.. when the air is filled with a pleasant smell of pujo happiness and mysticism!
Its a familiar nostalgia again.. when the apparent glittery evenings wud eventually fade into cold winter evenings. When past memories would all the more accompany you as you talk a walk down the same roads yet again..

Yesterday it all happened again.. and the pain was as fresh as ever!
Right in front of my eyes, the very sight i wanna forget and even forgive jus so that it wud let me go..
As usual, my headache has been back with renewed force.. and the more i try not to think, the more it effects me..
Unless i figure a way to not let myself get influenced by some people everytime, this pain won't stop.. there has to be some way i can turn to stone..

When the thorn bush turns white that's when I'll come home

I am going out to see what I can sow

And I don't know where I'll go

And I don't know what I'll see

But I'll try not to bring it back home with me



Like the morning sun your eyes will follow me

As you watch me wander, curse the powers that be

Cause all I want is here and now but it's already been and gone

Our intentions always last that bit too long



Far far away, no voices sounding, no one around me and

You're still there

Far far away, no choices passing, no time confounds me and you're still there



In the full moons light I listen to the stream

And in between the silence hear you calling me

But I don't know where I am and I don't trust who I've been

And If I come home how will I ever leave

<3

Love is not something u can read about in novels and claim to know 'exactly how it feels..'
Love is not something u hear about from other's experiences n decide upon..
Love is not something u see between two people n feel magical about..

These are, i believe, just sources to the ultimate destination.. but they make complete sense only when you can look into the eyes of someone and feel that you are ready to accept him inspite of all his faults.. its only when u can be next to him and see urself in his future.. when habits don't matter and just 'the' moment, right there, is the only thing u can hold on to..

its how they say.. " when you love someone, you just say it, you just say it right there.. out loud.. otherwise, the moment just passes you by"

and yet, we spent countless moments staring into his eyes, all the time thinking if we would make it together.. waiting for signs from the universe.. reading sunsigns and hoping for them to decide our destiny.. weighing every move made, every word uttered.. until the sand slips away from our hand..

and yet, all this will hit you with its full force only when u r ready to admit, be brave n proclaim that come what may, ur ready.. throw caution to the wind and declare that ur in love.. n not think if he loves you, or if ur meant to be together.. just let the elements do their work.. and the rest will find its place on it own..

i'm ready for my test, i can't wait to meet him now.. 20 years is a long time!

The day finally arrived. She left all hushed up n hurried. I don't know why the tears won't stop. It's not supposed to be this way, its not!

i've never liked hot drinks too much! not tea, not coffee, not hot chocolate.
its even when people describe how they would ideally like to be.. like their imaginary comfort zone.. sitting beside a window with the rain outside forming beads on the glass, two people as one, with fingers interwined, long hair let down casually.. and a steaming cup of coffee beside!
damn, there.. the last bit spoils it for me..
right now, with this cold n fever.. i'd jus like to sit in a balcony on a summer evening with the wind blowing against my face, wearing a three-qtr sleeved grey comfy sweat shirt and long hair let loose.. guitar in hand, cold vanila milkshake beside me.. jus strumming an old song n smiling to myself.. maybe with my diary beside me open n the pages fluttering..
*sigh*

anyway, i cudnt even go to work n now i fear sitting in the A.C class in the evening! my nose is continously running n i feel so weak n feverish. i have no taste in my mouth yet i'm hungry. i feel lazy yet i cant sleep anymore. i wanna write so much but i don't have the energy.
right here, right now, i need a vacation..


this is a song i had learnt in school n i looove it! jus visualise it, its so wonderful! :)

Oh,give me a home where the buffalo roam,
Where the deer and the antelope play;
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word,
And the skies are not cloudy all day.

Oh, give me a land where the bright diamond sand
Flows leisurely down the stream;
Where the graceful white swan goes gliding along
Like a maid in a heavenly dream.

Home, home on the range,
Where the deer and the antelope play;
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word,
And the skies are not cloudy all day.

How often at night when the heavens are bright
With the light of the glittering stars,
Have I stood here amazed and asked as I gazed
If their glory exceeds that of ours.

Home, home on the range,
Where the deer and the antelope play;
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word,
And the skies are not cloudy all day.

Oh, I love these wild flowers in this dear land of ours;
The curlew I love to hear scream;
And I love the white rocks and the antelope flocks
That graze on the mountain-tops green.

Home, home on the range,
Where the deer and the antelope play;
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word,
And the skies are not cloudy all day.

The red man was pressed from this part of the West,
He's likely no more to return
To the banks of Red River where seldom if ever
Their flickering campfires burn.

Home, home on the range,
Where the deer and the antelope play;
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word,
And the skies are not cloudy all day.

Where the air is so pure, the zephyrs so free,
The breezes so balmy and light,
That I would not exchange my home on the range
For all the cities so bright.

Home, home on the range,
Where the deer and the antelope play;
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word,
And the skies are not cloudy all day.

Oh, I would not exchange my home on the range,
Where the deer and the antelope play;
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word
And the skies are not cloudy all day.

Home, home on the range,
Where the deer and the antelope play;
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word,
And the skies are not cloudy all day.

i haven't even met ruby n she will be leaving in a few days.. leaving, yes!
its crazy how things have been running haphazardly.. like it was a different time we used to sit together n giggle over the little things in life.
emotions are clearly just another thing to play with..

i'm being random today.. i feel at my lowest today.. i think i have a real bad cold. today was a waste, i did not study a word. i fear i'm going to let everybody down and even more, let my confidence so low that i may never recover. this result will be my boost, i need it so badly!
help! :(

i wish i had a time machine and i could see where i will be by the end of this year.
*yawn*
good night.

...

i have a bad cold. i have work again tomorrow. i have classes. i need to study. i have to get some sleep. 24 hours is not enough.

Legally Graduate!

i graduated today..
and all that my dad could say was "kal hi toh tujhe god mein khana khilata tha, aaj graduate bhi ho gayi.." :)

Tagged - 24hrs before you die!

i've been tagged on this by John and its my first tag of this kind!
24 hrs before u die, ok now that's freaky!

over the last year my friends have lost a lot of their friends, and every time i heard of something like that my heart skipped a beat to think of it happening to my folks. i don't think i'd be able to keep myself composed if such a day ever came! but, to be honest its much easier to think how it would be had u only 24hrs to live, maybe cos its a selfish thought to pass away silently and not have to bear the eternal pain of staying back and remembering the ones left behind!

If you've seen the movie P.S I Love You, you've probably loved this dialogue too.. and if u haven't i strongly recommend u do watch it, its beautiful!
It goes like..
"We're so arrogant aren't we, so afraid of age, we do everything we can to prevent it.. we don't realise what a prviledge it is to grow old with someone.."


I always used to tell J that i wanna be in love before i die! :)
ha ha.. can't believe all the sweet stuff we spoke bout as kids!
and then the more u grow, the more u grow above relationship, trust & commitments!
I hate to admit this, but i've always been a dreamer! and just not the usual dreamer, but the DDLJ type of dreamer where every Pooja finds her Rahul.. and as the tagline says "Someone Somewhere Is Made For You!"
So i can totally picturise myself with a flowing dupatta over my head running through fields singing songs! :D
*sigh*
one thing i know for sure, i wud defntly be in love for one true moment before i say goodbye!


Coming to reality.. :)
I love to do little personal things for people i care bout and leave them in a manner that finds them in a pleasant surprise!


If i have exactly 24 hrs from the time i am intimated bout my clock ticking, here's FEW of all that i would like to do:

~ Wake up early for once! :P

Would wake up with the birds chirping and the cool breeze blowing! go for a walk in my neighbourhood and breathe in all the beauty of the world around me i might not have noticed the days i actually lived! Smile at every stranger and make that moment a part of his life as much as it will always remain a part of me in eternity!
Also, having "chai and "jalebi" at a local tea shop would make me SO happy! :)

~ Make a comfortable breakfast with the modest things i've always loved!

~ Watch old family movies and photographs and drink in all my childhood innocence and fun! Laugh remembering those moments with my family! Also, all the wondeful selected movies or songs i could possibly hear! Go through old school shirts and letters and report cards! haha!

~ I don't know how i shall manage this bit, but this is the most important one of them all!
I will forgive you for all the hurt you gave me! Yes, i wanna die peacefully!
And for everyone of you, leave a little (ok, not so little) note behind with my last message. Surprisingly, J and me have been together since childhood but neither of us has ever written a testimonial or letter to each other.. simply cos its just not possible to put some things in words! But if i could possibly do that, i'd write my life to her!
Some wonderful people i've come across in my life, would want to let u know in my own humble way that ur loved! :)

~ A delightful bath and a wonderful lunch with my family! i guess the rest of the afternoon i would be doing the above writing work! phew, how am i ever going to finish all of it!

~ In the evening, sit with people who really matter and jam a little! Sing songs, play the guitar and laugh away to glory! haha!

~ I'd have to speak to a few people personally, afterall some chapters need to be closed in this world itself! :P

~ By the time its night and i'm done with the BEST dinner of my life, jus send a msg to a few people saying goodnight! the usual chit-chat with dad and bro and help mamma with the dishes!

~ i guess it must be 11.30 by the time i'm in my room. Say my prayers and ask god to forgive me for any wrong i've done and bless those i love!
For the last time, rewind my life from the day i was born! :)
Listen to a last song on my celfone, and think of the stupid guy who's a little too late! Love u wherever u may be!


And... Dream awaY! :)
*perfect*



I tag:

Hopeless Romatic!

i NEED Good Luck! :)

woo hoo!

i feel pleased and happy with myself!

One, cos i gave back the one person i hated with all my might a good dose of what i felt and bloody scared person later quickly said sumthng n logged out of chat before i replied! hah! bloody b**** i could cut u with a knife and serve u to dogs! yeah, i can sound mean and raw when it comes you! the only person i've given to so much n hated so much more! rot, rot, rot!
Two, me n Jini got wet like two kiddos n danced to 'Khabar Nahi' in the rain. we took snaps, splashed water on each other, collected hailstones and laughed endlessly over what we were doing! :D

the two sides of a coin!
such is life! :)

...

Agreed, sometimes situations are not in our hand.. but what when circumstances are in ur very hands and u let go?
I believe, emotions, should not be let to take the better of us!

:)

i finallyyyy did!! :D

also, i checked my mails for a record number of times in the day today to see if i had recieved the wedding pics.. alas, me n my hopes! :(

:|

yesterday i planned to finish some part of my studies before i went to sleep, so that i could finish the important parts the next whole day! was very sleepy n tired by the time i went to bed around 1am. jus half n hr later i was woken up by this call from my bro giving me updates on whats happening at the wedding! as luck would have it, my sleep completely vanished n i couldn't concentrate anymore either! so, i tossed n turned n "tried" to sleep. ultimately, tiredness got the better of me n i slept in a rather uneasy manner. woke up at 8am with a rather heavy head n then couldn't concentrate on a word of what i was studying all day!
then comes the best news, my cousins n my half family are going to chandigarh! :(
that't it! all that was left to my imperfectly perfect day had been done!
as it is i hadn't been studying n now the bleak chances of what remained too were lost!
went online, chatted a little, cribbed a little, phoned a little, cribbed a little, ate a little, cribbed a little n finally studied very little!
right now, m blogging n i have a paper tomorrow! :|